In this series about logical consequences, we’ve discussed principles for letting kids suffer the logical consequences of messes that they get themselves into. Sometimes we need to actually engineer a solution. For example, we can’t safely let a child learn the consequences of running into a busy street. But we often can engineer safe glimpses of what happens when they ignore a rule. Here are three key steps to engineering glimpses of real life for our kids.
1: Find the Core of Real Life Consequences
The goal of engineered consequences is to mimic how the world works without overwhelming our kids. As I’ve already discussed, any simulation needs to be safe, age-appropriate, and trauma-sensitive, especially for kids who’ve been through tough times. There is still plenty of room within those limits to give our kids a glimpse of how the world works.
Take, for example, the common situation of a kid who doesn’t take the trash out. What is the core problem with leaving trash? It piles up, smells bad, and eventually starts attracting insects and rodents. A classic consequence is to put the trash in the kid’s room. It then takes up space and smells bad in his room. The vast majority of the time, the kid learns the lesson and solves the problem before the situation becomes unsafe (i.e, roaches and rats). It’s a safe and understandable glimpse of why it’s a real-world rule that the trash needs to go out regularly.
Now, let’s talk tougher situations—like grades. Some kids just don’t care about school. Grades aren’t their “currency,” and threats of “You’ll fail!” fall flat. I once fostered a teen who wanted to drop out. Instead of arguing, I engineered a simulation, explaining that if he wasn’t in school, he needed to be contributing to the bills, so he needed a job. I didn’t lecture. Instead, I helped him search want ads and fill out applications, provided transportation to interviews, and encouraged his efforts. My teen was shocked at the low pay for non-graduates. He stayed in school, not because of any of my profound and wise advice, but because he saw the real-world stakes.
This approach works because it respects where foster and stepkids are at. Trauma can make kids feel like life’s a rollercoaster they didn’t choose to ride. A simulation that’s safe—like job-hunting without actually dropping out—lets them test the waters while you’re there as a steady guide.
2. Keep Your Fingerprints Off the Situation
A key principle is to keep your fingerprints off the consequences whenever possible. For example, if you want to motivate your kids to have good grades, set up a framework at the beginning of the year. If their grades drop below X level, then Y consequence happens. If you can, get their agreement to it. After that, whatever happens to their grades just starts the pre-existing consequences into motion. If they don’t do their homework, you don’t have to create new consequences (barring any new problems like lying to you about it). You just have to wait until it affects their grades, and then enforce the framework that they already knew about. It’s not your new rule; it’s a pre-existing consequence that follows from their decisions.
This principle can be particularly important for older kids and teens that you are trying to teach how to budget money. If they run out of their allowance, they can’t buy a cool new gadget or accessory. You don’t have to come up with a new consequence. In fact, you can sympathize with them about how hard it is to stretch income to cover everything. They may blame you for not giving or loaning them more money, but they’ll know that they aren’t being fair or logical. Not having the money you need when you spent it earlier is just the way the world works. You aren’t taking anything away from your kids when they don’t save their money. You are simply letting them live with the real-world consequences of their decisions.
I used this principle with my teen who wanted to drop out of school. I didn’t lecture, and when I decided to stay in school, I certainly didn’t say, “I told you so.” I just let the experience teach him.
A good friend and collaborator, Amber Jewell described a similar situation in our online courses. Her son is subject to anxiety, and was fascinated with energy drinks. She warned him against them because they can mimic (and thus exacerbate) anxiety symptoms. He ignored her advice, tried an energy drink, and ended up suffering an anxiety attack at school. She didn’t lecture him, but helped him work through the attack and learn from the experience.
Fortunately, our kids can learn from experiences. If we can keep our fingerprints off the situation, so that they aren’t blaming us for what happens, they will learn faster and more thoroughly than from anything we can say.
3: Walk with Them to Find Solutions
The final step is encouraging kids to solve the problem themselves while we walk alongside them. This isn’t about leaving them to figure it out alone—it’s about being their coach, not their fixer. Back to that wannabe-dropout: I didn’t nag or insist that he stay in school. I just gave him a utility bill and said he could drop out when he could pay for half of it. Then I actively helped him look for a job. Not only did I want him to learn why he should stay in school, but I knew that, whether he stayed in school or not, he would need job-seeking skills. So I gave all the encouragement I could and let him work his way through the problem.
For foster and stepkids who are hesitant about relationships with us to begin with, having our encouragement can help strengthen the relationship. Even if we don’t agree with their goal, such as quitting school or trying an energy drink, we can understand their desire to find an alternate path to success or satisfy curiosity. As we walk alongside them to find a way of getting to that goal, we can show them that disagreements or even mistakes don’t break our bond. We just need to find a way together to reach an important goal.
Conclusion
Foster and stepkids often navigate a world that feels unpredictable. Logical consequences, done right, give them structure and agency. Engineering simulations lets them learn safely—no trauma triggers, just real-world prep. And walking with them to find solutions builds resilience while proving you’re in their corner. Also, we’re not just teaching rules—we’re showing kids they can handle life’s ups and downs. Stay calm, keep your fingerprints off the outcome, and cheer them on as they figure it out. Using logical consequences can help us convince our kids that they’re capable and loved, no matter what.
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Interested in learning more?
• Download my free e-book to learn how to stop being the villain in your child’s story.
• Learn more principles of foster parenting and step-parenting from my online courses at YSO Academy.
• Buy my book, Raising Other People’s Children, for more thoughts about being the person who’s not supposed to be there.
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