Blog: Other People's Children®

One unfortunate part of being a foster parent is knowing how to protect yourself against false or unfair allegations. When you sign up for foster care, you sign up for increased scrutiny from your state’s child protective services. Foster children are more likely than biological children to make accusations, out of either...

In my last post, I talked about entering foster parenting with realistic attitudes. In this post, I want to talk about how to actually start. Agencies will offer training, but you need real life experience. I recommend getting that experience a little bit at a time. Parenting other people’s children is a skill, and just like any other...

With the emphasis this month on foster care, we will hear a lot of appeals for people to become foster parents. The pull to provide a family to children who need one is strong, but parenting traumatized children can be difficult and messy. Even experienced foster parents sometimes find themselves wondering what they...

Mother’s Day is one of those holidays that always creeps up on me. After my mother passed away, and I had no obligations to anyone, I stopped paying much attention it. It is a holiday that can cause a lot of stress in foster and blended families. I’ve written before about how one of the best ways to lower the stress is...

This is National Foster Care Month, and today is National Foster Care Day. Not everyone has the resources to become a foster parent, but there are many other ways to help. Here are some ways that you can help a foster child short of parenting them. Some contributions don’t take much time, while others require...

In two weeks, I will be speaking at the Renew Retreat in Raleigh, NC. I will be part of an amazing lineup of speakers helping foster and adoptive parents find “Grace for the Journey,” the theme of the retreat. I will be discussing the challenges unique single parents and blended families. If you are in the area...

A study from Australia indicates that boys who suffer from abuse are less resilient than girls. If these findings hold true in the United States, then those of us who parent children with trauma need to pay particular attention to the boys in our care. Our culture tends to treat boys as defective girls, and we need to...

One of the hardest parts about raising other people’s children is overcoming their sense that you aren’t supposed to be there. We are only in their lives because they lost their first choice, an intact biological family. All of my children are part of my family only because I was their Plan B parent. Fortunately, being...

I’ll be speaking Saturday (April 23) at the Wisconsin Foster and Adoptive Parents Association Spring Conference. I’ll be covering several important topics, including...

One frequent question that I have heard recently is how to maintain your sanity with adult children living in your home. Sometimes these are kids who have never left, sometimes they are children who circle back for one reason or another. Over the years, I have had a variety of adult foster children and stepchildren living...

Check out my conversation with Timothy Douglas on his podcast, Living the Dream. We had a great time talking about how being a child’s Plan B parent can be a wonderful and rewarding job...

One well-known problem in the child welfare field is that children who suffer abuse are at much higher risk of being victims of violence later in life. For parents of abuse victims, it is extremely important to empower our children and help them avoid becoming repeat...

One thing that’s easy to forget as adults is how little control children have over their lives. That fact is particularly true for foster and stepchildren. We are in their lives because of decisions that adults, sometimes family and sometimes strangers, have made and over...

In my last post, I talked about the importance of being mentors to our kids. Tomorrow is Tolkien Reading Day, and Tolkien’s works are a good reminder of the power of stories in our lives. The Lord of the Rings has become a cultural touchstone for many reasons, but primarily because it is a superbly crafted story...

One of the toughest parts of parenting other people’s children is recognizing that we are not the people who are supposed to be there. As I’ve explained before, from a child’s perspective, we are not supposed to be in their lives. They have an almost primal sense that, if the world worked the way it should, they would not...

I often hear from parents upset because their teen or pre-teen has suddenly developed a whole new personality, complete with teen “attitude” and cynicism. The vast majority of the time, those changes are developmentally normal and temporary. If we just wait, our kids will eventually grow up and revert to their old...

I have often felt that I just don’t understand the children that I am parenting. Their impulses often don’t make sense to me, and I can’t figure out why they make such bone-headed decisions. Most of the frustration comes from the fact that we have different personalities, and it takes work to understand each other...

A pattern that shows up very often in studies of resilience is a high correlation between resilience and self-esteem. It would be very easy to conclude that, if we help children develop self-esteem, we can also increase their resilience. These studies, however, only measure correlation, not causation. Furthermore, other...

One of the most frustrating aspects of parenting children with trauma is knowing whether they won’t make good choices or whether they can’t make them. The only answer I have found is that we rarely know which it is, so we have to approach every situation with humility and a large measure of grace....

As we head into warmer weather and spring holidays for school, we need to start planning how we are going to handle those holidays. I know it seems a bit early, but there really is no such thing as early with you are dealing with the complications of biological family or rules for foster children. Down time from school...

A recent study analyzed the extent to which positive experiences helped counteract adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), and found some important and encouraging protective factors. The study looked at more than 3400 teenagers, and used a logistic regression analysis to compare factors (full disclosure: I do...

This week we celebrated President’s Day, and we’ve seen all the usual handwringing about what terrible and unenlightened people our ancestors were. Our modern culture seems to be intent on tearing down almost every well-known person in our history, believing that no one had any moral authority until we came...

In my last post, I discussed the importance of having a support network for single parents. One of the least understood and most important parts of that network is having access to respite care. Taking care of someone else's children can be exhausting, especially when you layer on the child's trauma history, government...

Earlier this week, we celebrated Valentine’s Day, and the holiday prompted memories of my service as a single foster parent. I wouldn’t trade the experience, but I can’t deny that it posed its own unique set of challenges. Some of you may find yourselves forced by circumstance to be a single parent, while others may be...

I was thrilled to be on one of my favorite podcasts, Mothers of Misfits, discussing the challenges of being a foster parent and helping traumatized kids. Check out my interview and follow the podcast (@emilymelious and @mothersofmisfits) to hear excellent practical advice from guests with a lot of experience.

I will be speaking at the Renew Retreat in Raleigh NC, scheduled for May 12-14, 2022. If you are in (or can make it to) the Raleigh area, join us! It promises to be an exciting weekend for foster and adoptive parents...

One of the most important things we can do for our children is get them involved in groups outside school. Doing this is not easy, especially when it loads extra chauffeur and chaperone duties onto our already-long lists. If we can manage it, however, the benefits...

A recent study provides more evidence that positive relationships in childhood may mitigate the effects of adverse experiences. The study was small, only 113 women, and it combined self-reporting with physiological measures. Nevertheless, it adds a bit more...

For many years, I never paid any attention to the holiday of Groundhog Day. Then the movie came out, and I was captivated. Now I try to mark the holiday every year by watching the movie again. One year, I even coerced my adorable and long-suffering nephew into...

Every so often, I think back to when I started service as a foster parent and how little I know about what I was getting into. I certainly don’t regret being a foster parent, and the fact that I know more now is a good sign that I am capable of learning. For newer foster...

One challenge in raising other people’s children is handling the sheer volume of difficult behavior and advice about how to deal with it. One of the best things we can do for ourselves and our children is to start limiting the number of issues that we try to control and...

One of the very helpful websites that I follow, A Fostered Life, recently posted a review of my book, Raising Other People's Children. Check out the review and then check out the book. Then let me know what you think!

I had the opportunity to talk to Sandra Flach of Justice for Orphans on her podcast. She adopted 5 children, including kinship care and international adoptions. It was inspiring to compare notes with her about raising other people's children. Join us!

One of the most important things we can do for our kids is help them find mentors. Numerous studies show that a child’s having a positive relationship with an adult other than his or her parents is the most common factor connected to resilience. If we can be that person or help...

I recently ran across a news story that illustrates why we need strong boundaries when caring for traumatized children. A teacher found herself sentenced to jail after a jury acquitted her of a sexual relationship with a student, but convicted her of pursuing an illicit relationship. The verdict...

For many decades, it has been conventional wisdom that children who suffer abuse become angry, and that anger in turn leads to aggression and social problems. The correlation between childhood abuse and those problems has been well-documented. We don't know much about the...

I have become annoyed and concerned about the increasingly sloppy use of the term “child abuse.” From the Internet, I have learned that not getting a COVID vaccine for your children is child abuse. Requiring them to wear masks is child abuse. Feeding your children fast food is child abuse...

A new year is always a time when we hear and think about starting with a clean slate. It’s always such a tempting thought, but of course none of us can ever start with a completely clean slate. We always carry with us the results of our decisions and backgrounds. Our children, and perhaps...

Today is the start of Las Posadas, a charming Christmas tradition from Mexico that I learned about only a few years ago. It’s a good reminder that we can always learn from our children who come from a different faith tradition. If one of our children follows a...

We have just returned from a trip to Walt Disney World with a set of our kids and grandkids. Or as I like to refer to my family these days, some of my grandchildren and their domestic staff. (Priorities, you know). Of course, the trip reminded me that I no longer...

If your blended family or foster care placement are new, the holidays can be quite challenging. Not only do you have the awkward getting-to-know-you phase, but you have everyone’s holiday expectations layered on top of that. Here are some ideas that may help you navigate through the...

I was a guest recently on the Legal Mastermind podcast. Although the discussion focused on my legal practice, I explained how my experiences as a foster parent and stepparent have informed my legal work and vice versa...

Holidays can be a difficult time, especially for foster or stepchildren. No matter how wonderful we are, their world is out of joint. They feel, whether consciously or not, that if the world worked the way it should, they would be with their biological family and would not know us. They may have...

I had a wonderful visit with Jodi Jackson Tucker of Second Mother, talking about how to approach the holidays with both realism and joy. Check out our conversation (and her gracious praise for my book) on her YouTube channel.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving Day, whether you are with your family or still looking forward to a later celebration. Reflecting on the challenges of complex blended and foster families reminded me of a quote from my favorite author...

As we look past Thanksgiving toward Christmas, we’ll face one controversy that crops up every holiday season, i.e., what to do about kids’ presents to their biological parents. As a foster parent, I never questioned that I needed to help my children strengthen whatever relationship they had with...

Many foster parents are able to eventually adopt their foster children. It’s a wonderful way to add to your family, and it’s an important step toward stability for a child. But as wonderful as adoption can be, it’s not a magic wand that resolves all of a child’s trauma. If...

Most advice to foster parents and stepparents, including mine, focuses on the challenges of parenting those kids. There’s good reason for that emphasis, as the job can be daunting. I’ve often said that raising other people’s children (cough) is the most challenging...

This Veterans Day is a good opportunity to recognize the unique challenges that military stepfamilies face. I have never been in the military, but I know from listening to friends that raising a blended military family can be daunting. Sometimes, the biological parent is deployed, leaving the...

The fall & winter holidays always are difficult times for foster and blended families. Very few of us can manage peaceful meals with our kids’ extended biological families, and trying to plan all of the expected celebrations can be incredibly stressful. We have to balance competing needs of

A Louisiana high school has discovered an age-old principle: when fathers show up, kids pay attention. Parents of the students became concerned after a series of fights and resulting arrests at their high school. But instead of simply demanding that...

One of our extended family emailed me last week, asking about our family plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was surprised, since I was still working on my plans for October. I hadn’t even thought about later months, much less made plans. At first I...

Not everyone has the resources to become a foster parent. Yet, it’s not an all or nothing proposition. If you want to help foster youth but lack the resources to parent them, there still is a lot that you can do. This Saturday, I will be speaking on this topic at the...

When I speak or appear on podcasts, one common question I hear is, “How do I decide if I want to become a foster parent?” It’s an understandable and very good question. The pull to provide a family to children who need one is strong, but parenting traumatized...

I have been reading through a federal review of Missouri’s foster care agency. The headlines are alarming, proclaiming that Missouri lost track of many children in its system. When I read the review, however, it became clear that the vast majority of the missing “children” actually are teenage...

“No,” my foster daughter patiently explained. “I can go to college without getting good grades. I can write a killer essay about how my dad deserted us, my mom is a drug addict, and now I live with you old people who don’t understand me. I have more than enough victim points to make up for...

When I was a young adult, I got a letter from an old schoolmate apologizing for some of her behavior during our school days. The letter surprised me, mainly because I had no memory of the incidents that she described. I realized that I probably had been the victim of her bullying, but it didn’t...

One common theme in advice about how to respond to a child who is bullying another is to concentrate on teaching empathy. That task is easier said than done, and it can be particularly hard with a child who has suffered trauma. If you find yourself in that situation with one of your children...

Another problem that we can face with traumatized children is that they can become the bully in a given situation. Children who have suffered trauma, particularly violent trauma, can learn the message that they have to be the one in power to avoid abuse. Or they can unconsciously...

October is National Bullying Prevention month, so we will hear a lot about the topic over the next few weeks. If we parent children who have suffered trauma, our children are at high risk of being bullied. Their trauma makes them vulnerable, and vulnerable children are at much higher...

While we are talking about the importance of not trying to be perfect, let’s consider a common problem of deciding on consequences for rule violations, particularly when you and your spouse don’t agree. It’s a common area of conflict between parents, but I have learned that it also...

One of the common themes I hear, and have experienced, about raising other people’s children is how exhausting it can be. Parenting any child is difficult but stepping into a child’s history has its own sets of stressors. I have long thought that a big part of the problem is the high standards

 One of the principles that I constantly encourage is to realize that, while we as stepparents are not the people who are supposed to be in a child’s life, we should never apologize for the fact that we are the people who are there. We are making a commitment to our children, and we should...

Check out my visit to the AOI podcast, which concentrates on preparing foster children for independence and adulthood. We discussed such topics as how to let teens safely learn from their mistakes, the importance of logical consequences, and how to give kids a glide path to becoming...

Young adults recover from childhood trauma through a combination of supportive relationships and self-reliance, according to a survey of 13 previous mental health studies. The total sample size was small, only 277 young adults, but the small population allowed researchers to ask...

I often wonder what some of my now-adult children think about my blog posts, given that they lived through many of the mistakes that I have made. I imagine them rolling their eyes and saying, “It would have been nice if she had done that way back then.” And they are right. It would have been...

As we look at resilience this month, some mental health articles offer some interesting data about how we can help children exposed to adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). An older study of sexually abused girls had a small sample size, but gathered information from in-depth interviews...

September is National Suicide Prevention Month, an important issue for those of us who work with children who have suffered trauma. To help long-term with depression and anxiety, we need to find ways to help our children build resilience. Life is going to throw hard things their way in the...

In my last post, I discussed the doctrine of logical consequences for motivating kids. In this post, I want to discuss the importance of low maintenance consequences that impact your child more than you. I have always had jobs that take a lot of my time, and many popular parenting...

Check out my wide-ranging conversation with Dr. Odell Glenn about my book and the life lessons I learned from my foster children and stepchildren.

Sometimes it’s hard to motivate kids to develop good habits and follow house rules. The technique that is easiest for us, nagging and lecturing, only works (at best) for a short time. Our instinctive response to just lecture longer and louder doesn’t help and can make things worse. To make any...

One of our dogs is a rescue, and her early life experiences have left her a bit anxious and high-strung. Whenever we come home, she spins in circles, vocalizing her displeasure that we left without her in the first place. One afternoon, my youngest stepson was watching her antics and...

One of the hardest things to hear from one of our kids is “You are not my parent! You can’t tell me what to do!” Stepparents and foster parents usually hear that in the middle of an argument about house rules, boundaries, or advice. I never heard that reaction from my stepsons, but I heard...

Check out my visit to Sharon Spano's podcast, The Other Side of Potential. We discussed childhood trauma, how to be a Plan B parent, balancing responsibilities, and many more themes from my book.

I enjoyed my podcast visit on Conversations with Toni, whose motto is "Keeping It Together, One Podcast at a Time." Check out our conversation...

The first Friday-the-13th of every year is “Blame Someone Else Day.” This year, that day is this week. I love these made-up holidays because they give me an opportunity to think about things that I usually overlook. This humorous day is a good reminder...

This Thursday is National Middle Child Day, a good time to think about the children in our families who tend to get overlooked. Now, I don’t know that middle children really do get overlooked. Dr. Alfred Adler’s famous theory about birth order...

Finding good educational accommodations for children with trauma requires thinking outside the usual box. The techniques that teachers and administrators are used to implementing often do not help our kids. We have to explain that trauma can cause children to feel unsafe and to be on...

I spend an enjoyable hour talking to Donna Seebo on her radio show. Listen to it in her archives here. Search for Show #2841 on July 22, 2021.

The school year will start soon, or already has started. Children with trauma have a very hard time fitting into routines, and we need to be prepared to advocate for them with whatever schools they attend. I have never recommended being a helicopter parent, but...

I participated in my first international podcast a couple of weeks ago, talking to Grainne O'Kane with Divorced or Separated Parenting. Check out the series (look for 3 shows) on Google or Audible.

One technique I’ve stumbled across to help build relationships in step families is to think of the family as a team. A lot of parenting sites and advisors talk about family teamwork, and I’ve learned that it can help step families even more...

Join me on "Stories of Inspiring Joy," where I talk about what I have learned from my foster parenting and step parenting journey...

“Hey, Debbie.” The voice on the telephone was a little strained, but very familiar. Alicia had been placed with me when she was sixteen and had lasted about six months before she ran away for the final time. It had been almost a year since I had heard from her...

I had a wonderful chat with Melissa Brown of the Blended Family podcast. Check out our conversation here, or subscribe on your favorite podcast player.

Gifted children pose a unique challenge for foster parents. By definition, they have suffered the trauma of losing their biological family, and that trauma may have led to other emotional or developmental problems. Add giftedness to that mix, and we have to...

Check out this video from my law firm about the lesson in my book that being a child's Plan B Parent can be pretty wonderful...

I read on the Internet (so it must be true) that this week is National Parenting Gifted Children week. I can’t find any current celebrations, but it was still a good reminder of an often-overlooked explanation for behavior problems. Our difficult child may not...

Sometimes a child’s complaint about fairness is just not liking a rule or not understanding what being “fair” actually means. Sometimes, however, the core message of “that’s not fair” is that the child doesn’t think we love him or her. If this is the message...

Last week, we discussed what we should tell ourselves when our kids claim we are being unfair. So this week, let's talk about what we say to our kids. Responding to "it's not fair" is particularly difficult when we are trying to blend step-siblings or transition a foster...

Do you want to learn how to break unhealthy generational parenting cycles, up-level your parenting skills and parent with confidence? Find out how are in the “Chaos To Calm Parenting Academy”- and oh by the way, I’m a guest speaker! This free Masterclass Series is...

As we are thinking this week about being fair to all of our children, let’s first recognize that being fair is an illusion. Rather, we need to be just and that trait requires responding differently to each of our children’s unique needs...

If you want an in-depth online course about breaking the cycle of frustration and discouragement in raising other people's children, check out the upcoming "Chaos to Calm Parenting Academy." It's free and I'm a guest speaker.

One of the most common complaints our kids throw at us, and one of the hardest to handle, is “it’s not fair.” Children often see us as treating another child as “the favorite.” Even biological children will accuse us of...

An essential component to forging a solid relationship with our stepchildren is to spend quality time with them. There as many theories of how and when and what to do as there are researchers, therapists, and dictionaries. For this post...

I enjoyed talking to the delightful J. Rosemarie Francis about my experiences as a single foster parent...

Taking care of other people’s children requires a lot of sacrifice, and our stepchildren often don’t recognize our efforts for quite a while. But, just like biological children, if we hang in there long enough, our children eventually will develop the...

This week before Father’s Day is a good time to look at the importance of stepfathers and foster fathers in families. If our children have biological fathers involved in their lives, we need to do what we can to encourage that relationship...

Check our my interview with C.J. Peterson at “The Journey is Real.” We had a wonderful time discussing how to step into our children’s lives.

Having your stepchild in your home only part-time can be a challenging situation. It can be particularly difficult when one group of children primarily lives with you, but their step-siblings are there only part of the time. How do you meld...