Next Sunday is Groundhog Day, a holiday that, because of one of my favorite movies, has become forever linked with repeating the same day over and over. That’s a familiar sensation, whether we are foster parents, step-parents, or biological parents. Parenting often feels like a revolving door of reminders: "Say please," "Don’t forget to wash your hands," "We don’t hit when we’re angry." No matter how many times we warn, lecture, teach, or predict, our kids keep making the same mistakes over and over.
It’s easy to wonder if our words are sticking or if we’re destined to repeat ourselves forever while watching our kids make little progress. Rest assured, you’re not alone. Fortunately, both science and modern culture offer explanations why our kids, particularly those dealing with some sort of trauma, need us to do the hard work of repeating ourselves and how we can make those repetitions more effective.
Developmental Norms
Children’s brains are remarkable but still developing. Neuroscience research tells us that the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, impulse control, and decision-making—isn't fully mature until the mid-20s. For our children, this means they’re often driven by emotions and impulses rather than rational thought. While they may understand a rule or concept in the moment, applying it consistently takes time and practice. This fact is particularly true for kids whose brain functions may be preoccupied with processing their trauma in the background. The teenage years add a whole new dimension, when hormones add their own complications to our kids' decision-making.
1. Memory Development
Memory systems in children are still maturing. Studies show that young children, particularly those under the age of 7, have limited working memory capacity. Even older children and teens, while having slightly more ability to remember life lessons, still don't have a full set of neural connections. They may forget instructions or lessons even if they seemed to understand them a day—or even an hour—ago. Repetition helps solidify those memories over time, eventually embedding them into long-term habits.
2. Skill Mastery Through Practice
For our kids, learning isn’t just about knowing a new rule; it’s about building the new skills to act consistently. Whether it’s sharing toys or using polite language, children need to practice behaviors repeatedly to form habits. This process mirrors how they learn academic or physical skills, such as reading or riding a bike. The more they practice, the better they get.
3. Emotional Regulation Takes Time
Children who have suffered trauma, particularly multiple types of trauma, take a while to learn how to regulate their emotions. Like younger children, even when they intellectually understand that hitting is not okay, they might lash out in frustration because their emotional impulses override their reasoning abilities. Negative behaviors, especially at younger ages, may not be so much a choice as a reaction to lots of frustration or accumulated trauma. Our kids need consistent and nurturing reminders to associate better choices with specific emotions and situations.
4. Contextual Learning
Kids often struggle to generalize lessons across different contexts. For instance, a child who knows not to run in the living room might need reminding not to run in a grocery store. They need not only clear rules, but clear reminders of where those rules apply. Repeating lessons in varied settings helps our kids learn how to incorporate new information about new circumstances.
5. The Impact of Trauma on Learning
Trauma can significantly affect how children process and retain lessons. Research shows that children who have experienced trauma may have heightened stress responses, making it harder for them to focus, regulate emotions, and remember instructions. Their brains are often in survival mode, prioritizing immediate safety over long-term learning. This means they may need even more repetition and patience to internalize lessons, as well as a sense of safety and trust to help them fully engage with what you’re teaching.
How to Make Repetition Effective
So is there a way to stop repeating ourselves to our kids? Probably not completely, but we can adopt some habits to make our repetition more effective the next time we need to remind our kids of the rules.
1. Don’t Talk, Just Do
The first half of the movie Groundhog Day is vintage Bill Murray living like there is no tomorrow. The turning point in his redemption story comes when he realizes he can’t get what he wants until he changes his behavior. Most importantly, he learns it not from lectures, but from experiencing forceful, immediate consequences. This plot mirrors how children often learn best—not just from words, but from consistent action. For example, if a child repeatedly ignores instructions to take out the trash, a logical consequence might be placing the full trash bag in their room. This action reinforces the natural result of inaction in a way words alone cannot. By staying calm and consistent, parents can help kids connect their actions (or lack thereof) to real-world outcomes.
2. Repeat the Big Lessons
Seemingly contradicting the principle of “don’t repeat yourself,” big life lessons often require repetition before they truly sink in. Marketing experts tell us that adults need to hear a message 5 to 17 times before it sticks. For children, whose brains are still developing, the number is likely much higher. For children who have experienced trauma, it’s even greater.
A therapist once told me, “I don’t expect teens to follow much of my advice right now. I’m laying the groundwork for them to remember these lessons ten years from now.” This perspective underscores the importance of patience and persistence. Big lessons, such as identifying toxic friendships or managing responsibilities, may take countless repetitions before they truly resonate—and often, kids won’t fully understand until they experience the consequences themselves.
3. Stay Consistent
Consistency is incredibly important to our kids. When we respond to the same behavior in predictable ways, we reinforce the lesson. Over time, our children learn to connect their actions with consistent consequences or feedback. This principle applies to negative lessons as well. All too often, what our kids learn is that, if they can survive a lecture from us, nothing else happens and nothing much changes. So we need to be consistent with positive techniques, not just our usual habits.
4. Use Positive Reinforcement
Acknowledge progress, even (or especially) in little things. Praise and rewards for following rules or making good choices can motivate children to repeat positive behaviors. Negative rules simply don't have the same impact on our kids' motivation to move in the right direction. If we want them to learn positive things, we need to find opportunities for positive feedback.
5. Model the Behavior
Children are keen observers. They’re more likely to pay attention to us when they see us practicing what we preach. If we want our children to speak kindly, for example, they have to hear us speaking kindly to them and others. If we want them to learn emotional regulation, we have to let them see what that looks like. Simply lecturing them is a losing strategy.
6. Concentrate on relationships
The final and perhaps most important thing we can do for our kids is provide a supportive relationship and unconditional love. Our relationships matter more than our knowledge. When shopping, for example, we gravitate to products we know and trust. We choose doctors, lawyers, and other professionals based on how much we trust them. Similarly, our children are more likely to listen to us if they consistently see that we care about them. This fact is particularly crucial for kids who have experienced trauma. Therefore, we should focus more on expressing love and concern than repeating the rules. Yes, rules and structure are incredibly important for our kids. But we have to present them in a context of love and concern. Saying “we want to keep you safe” is much more powerful than “we have this rule because we know this fact.” The old mantra is very true when raising other people’s children — our kids won’t care how much we know until they know how much we care.
The Long-Term Payoff
So, the message we need to take away from this Groundhog Day is to understand how our kids learn and look for practical ways they can learn the lessons that are important for their resilience. Though it may feel like we’re stuck on a never-ending loop of reminders, our efforts are laying a foundation. Over time, the lessons we teach will stick, helping our kids develop the habits, skills, and emotional tools they need to thrive. We can be confident that our kids’ need for repetition isn’t a sign of our failure as parents, but a natural part of their normal growth.
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