In this series on trauma, I want to discuss next how it affects our kids. One critical point we need to understand is that trauma does cause major problems, but it doesn’t have to define our kids’ future. Understanding what we’re seeing in our kids is an essential step in helping them develop resilience and move past the dark times in their history.
Trauma’s Impact
Trauma doesn’t predict a kid’s future, but it can leave some noticeable marks in their functioning. It’s essential for us to figure out if a kid’s behavior is a trauma response or just them being a normal boundary-pushing kid. Trauma is not an excuse to get them off the hook for bad behavior, but it does mean we might need a different approach to bad behavior.
1. Trauma often interferes with a kid’s normal development, like hitting pause on their emotional growth. Kids might struggle to manage their feelings—think meltdowns over small stuff because their emotional “thermostat” is out of whack. Kids who’ve been through trauma often seem younger than their age—like a 12-year-old acting more like a 9-year-old. That’s not a flaw; it’s just where they’re at because trauma disrupted their normal emotional growth.
2. Trauma often makes kids reactive, like their “fight or flight” switch is always on. This effect can lead to hyper-vigilance and frequent meltdowns over small setbacks. It can also lead to risky behaviors, like seeking thrills to cope with that constant adrenaline rush or even higher susceptibility to addictive behaviors.
3. Trauma can cause trouble focusing or planning, often because kids had to spend so much time staying out of trouble or placating abusive adults. Their brain can also spend a lot of energy trying to process the trauma, like a computer program working in the background, leaving fewer resources for focus and planning. This process exacerbates kids’ normal tendency toward short-term gratification.
4. Trauma often disrupts attachment, making it hard for them to trust or connect, even if they’re still with their parents. Your foster or step-kids may seem distant, which can be a sign of emotional disconnection from past hurts. They also are not likely to trust you just because you say you’re trustworthy. You’ll have to prove it to them, likely multiple times.
The Brain’s Superpower is Healing
It can seem overwhelming to catalog how trauma has affected our kids. The good news, though, is that their brains are like superheroes when it comes to healing. Trauma might rewire things, making kids overly emotional or impulsive, but the brain’s plasticity—its ability to adapt and recover—is incredible.
That’s why we can’t treat our kids like perpetual victims or let them think of themselves as victims. Think of it like a broken leg: it hurts, but with time and care, it mends. Keeping a kid in a “cast” forever by treating them as broken does more harm than good. Similarly, constantly treating them as damaged from trauma never creates the challenges that they need to recover and move forward.
Avoiding the “Broken” Mindset
Trauma is not a diagnosis or a mental illness. Trauma can lead to things like anxiety or PTSD, but those conditions are treatable. Don’t let kids get stuck thinking they’re “victims” or “sick.” Instead, focus on building their strengths—like planning ahead or calming down when stressed. Programs like TBRI can help, but even simple things, like teaching them to take deep breaths or break tasks into small steps, make a difference.
Conclusion
Part of being a Plan B parent is being a stable adult who can change a kid’s story. Trauma causes significant problems for our kids, but that’s not the end of the story. They can heal, and their brains can repair themselves. Our job is to meet them where they are in the midst of their trauma, and then never give up encouraging them to heal and grow into the awesome people that they all can be.
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Interested in learning more?
• Download my free e-book to learn how to stop being the villain in your child’s story.
• Learn more principles of foster parenting and step-parenting from my online courses at YSO Academy.
• Buy my book, Raising Other People’s Children, for more thoughts about being the person who’s not supposed to be there.
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