For the next few blog posts, I want to talk about one of the most important techniques I’ve found for helping children who have suffered trauma, which is using the logical consequences of their behavior. In some cases, we simply need to stand aside and let them learn from the consequences, such as getting a bad grade after waiting until the last minute to complete a project. Other times, we need to actually engineer a glimpse (a safe glimpse) of how the world works. In my next posts, I’ll discuss principles for using logical consequences, but first we need to establish exactly what I’m talking about.
What Are Logical Consequences?
Logical consequences are exactly what they sound like—consequences that logically follow from a child’s behavior. They aren’t about punishment; they’re about teaching. One classic example is when a child’s chore is to take the trash out, but they forget. Sure, you could lecture, take away their phone, or dock their allowance, but what do any of those really teach them about taking out the trash? Those consequences just teach them that you will do something that they don’t like.
Instead of those consequences, think through what happens when the trash isn’t taken out. It starts smelling bad and causing problems. So, what about putting the trash in their room? Now, they experience exactly why taking it out matters—because it stinks. And it’s not in some far-away trash can that they can forget about, but right in their space. Instead of just suffering through something that their parents dream up, kids suffer through the real impact of not taking out the trash.
The point of logical consequences is not just to change a kid’s behavior (although we do want them to do their chores), but to understand why the rules matter in the real world. These sorts of consequences make a lot more sense to kids (and their not-yet-developed brains) than unconnected penalties.
How Do We Come Up With Logical Consequences?
Logical consequences work best when we factor in the following principles:
1. Sometimes we wait, and sometimes we engineer consequences. Sometimes we can just let nature take its course, as when a child doesn’t do homework and a bad grade follows. Our job in that case is simply to not bail them out. If we have later consequences for a low total grade in a class, then those consequences also follow naturally. In those situations, we watch as our child digs themselves into a hole and then walk alongside them to find a way out.
Other times, we need to engineer a glimpse of consequences, because letting nature take its course is simply not safe. For example, we don’t stand by while our children run into a crowded street because the natural consequences are too dire. Our job for those situations is to actively engineer consequences that give them a safe, age-appropriate picture of the real-world consequences. For example, if one of our kids is careless with their possessions, we don’t want to risk losing an expensive tablet or smartphone by letting them play with it. But, perhaps we can hand down an older, less expensive item for them to play games or watch videos. Then, if they lose or break it, the consequence is that they have to do without it until they can afford to replace it or there’s another hand-me-down in the natural course of things. That’s a view of consequences that they are old enough to understand and has limited risk.
2. They connect directly to the child’s behavior. If a child throws their toys across the room, putting them in a time-out may be good to help them calm down and regulate. But if that’s all that happens, they don’t learn the very important lesson that someone has to pick up those scattered toys. If you tell them they can’t play with any of their toys until they pick up the ones they threw, then they have better chance of learning not only that they need to clean up the messes they make, but that scattered toys are very annoying.
3. They are reasonable and not overly harsh. We have to keep in mind our child’s developmental level. If they break a lamp in the living room, making them pay for a replacement is a logical consequence. But if it’s a very expensive lamp and they have limited allowances or opportunities to earn money, then requiring exact payment will stretch the consequences beyond their ability to understand it. In their minds, they simply lose their allowance for all time and there’s no motivation to continue good behavior connected to allowances. Similarly, some ordinary consequences can trigger a trauma response that will swallow up any of the lessons you are trying to teach. So you will need to moderate the consequences to fit the child’s trauma history, developmental level, and resources.
4. They allow kids to learn from experience rather than just feel punished. If a child breaks another friend’s toy, a lecture and early bedtime will get their attention, but those consequences will also allow them to feel put upon and treated unfairly, particularly if it was an accident. A consequence that helps them figure out how to correct the problem — either repairing or replacing the toy — will teach them far more important life lessons.
Do Logical Consequences Work?
Seeing these principles in practice has yielded some of my favorite stories from my life and experienced friends. I once had a foster child who kept leaving food in their room. I always tried to stay out of my kids’ rooms, figuring that they needed an area that was their refuge. However, I didn’t want to allow a toxic waste dump in my house. So, rather than lecture, I resorted to not keeping the family beagle out of the child’s room. When they complained, I pointed out that leaving food on the floor attracts small furry mammals. When the child responded that they had cleaned up all the food, I replied, “Well, the beagle disagrees and I never second-guess a beagle about food odors. If you don’t want her in your room, you need to check again.” The result was a much cleaner room without a lot of lectures and drama.
I can’t say that every logical consequence has always worked. Different kids have different motivations. Some kids, for example, don’t care if there is smelly trash in their room. So, we often have to back up and come up with something else. But logical consequences have worked more often than not, helping kids learn responsibility in a way that sticks with them far better than any of our lectures.
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Interested in learning more?
• Download my free e-book to learn how to stop being the villain in your child’s story.
• Learn more principles of foster parenting and step-parenting from my online courses at YSO Academy.
• Buy my book, Raising Other People’s Children, for more thoughts about being the person who’s not supposed to be there.
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