When talking about how to set priorities, I always start with core values and self-care (actually self-stewardship) as the foundation. The reason I put those two at the bottom of the pyramid is that we can’t adequately care for our families unless we first put in place the resources that we will need to draw from.
Core Values
Core values are the bedrock of our parenting journey. They define what motivates us and how we navigate the challenges of raising other people’s children. For me, the core of my foster care work was my theology, specifically that God calls us to care for the widow and orphan. Other foster parents find their values in philosophical principles or ethical codes. Whatever your source, you need these non-negotiable values to guide your actions and attitudes.
Being a foster or stepparent can be challenging and emotionally draining. When the emotions of parenting waver—when we’re exhausted, frustrated, or unsure—our core values provide the motivation to persevere. They remind us of the bigger picture and help us make decisions based on timeless principles, not impulses.
We also need to turn to our core values to understand why we’re doing this in the first place. Raising children requires a lot of self-sacrifice, and we must be willing to serve others. If we are fostering, for example, because it makes us feel generous and heroic, then we won’t last long. We must be motivated first and foremost by what our children need.
As stepparents, of course we are motivated by falling in love with our kids’ biological parent. That is a wonderful reason, and it certainly is a necessary one for starting a new family. But being in love is not enough by itself. Like all emotions, it will ebb and flow. We must be willing not only to start a new marriage, but to care for our stepchildren as much as our biological children. As I’ve said in numerous blog posts and one of my online courses, commitment is stronger than love. It’s our commitment, rooted in our core values, that keeps us in this adventure for the long haul.
To stay in touch with our core values, we need to find our people. We need to surround ourselves with people who can remind us of those values and help us grow. Whether through religious institutions, community groups, or online forums, we need to find people who can reinforce and encourage us in this journey.
Self-Care (Self-Stewardship)
Talking about self-care is always difficult, and understanding why it’s more important as a foundation than caring for others is even more difficult. It sounds very selfish to talk about caring for ourselves when the whole point of our journey is to care for our children. It’s very hard to understand why sacrificing for our children requires us to prioritize caring for ourselves.
What helped me understand the riddle was hearing my friend Amber Jewell describe the priority as self-stewardship. We aren’t putting ourselves first; we are stewarding our resources so that we can care for others. We are not superheroes. We are finite and ordinary people who need to replenish our emotional and physical resources on a regular basis.
One important reason to regularly replenish our resources is that our kids rarely come at us with emergencies or challenging behavior when we’re rested and ready to deal with them. We need to prepare ahead of time so that we aren’t trying to meet a crisis with empty batteries.
We can exercise good self-stewardship by focusing on both physical and mental health. Taking care of our physical health requires attention to exercise, nutrition, and all-important sleep. For mental health, we should focus on what restores our energy, whether we are introverts who crave alone time or extroverts who recharge batteries socializing with friends. We also need a support network; even introverts need emotional support, practical advice, and a helping hand at times.
Conclusion
Taking care of our families can feel like a never-ending task of juggling competing demands. To meet all of our obligations, we need to maintain a strong foundation. If we start with our core values and self-stewardship, we’ll be better able to meet the unavoidable challenges of raising other people’s children.
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Learn more about foster and step-parenting in my online courses at YSOAcademy.com.
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