I like to describe raising other people’s children as learning how to fit into the stories that our children tell themselves. We humans are story-telling animals. For thousands of years, we have used stories to learn and make sense of our reality. Our children have done the same thing from their earliest days. They have a narrative of their life, and when we enter it, they have to figure out where we fit.
There are thousands of plots for stories with many different types of characters. All stories in all cultures, however, have at least (1) a hero trying to (2) reach a goal, (3) a villain who tries to interfere, and (4) a wise mentor who helps the hero defeat or bypass the villain. Every child is the hero of his or her story. That only leaves two slots for us. We will be either the villain or the mentor in their narratives.
There is a strong temptation for children to cast us as the villain. We start as outsiders. We are the people who, if the world worked as it should, would not be in their lives. For centuries, the outsider has been the villain of stories. When my stepsons were younger, I used to joke with them that I had read all the stepmother manuals. Cinderella, Snow White, Hansel & Gretel – I had learned all the techniques. Fortunately, it was a joke in our family, but the template is an ancient one.
The role that we want to occupy is the wise mentor who helps the hero. To figure out how to get to that role in our children’s narrative, we can learn from mentors in famous stories.
1. Unconditional Love. The most common characteristic that we find in ancient stories is that mentors love and accept their charges unconditionally. No matter how annoying or foolish, the mentor never gives up on the hero.
In the Harry Potter novels, for example, Harry was not a perfect student. Yet, Professor Dumbledore was always caring and available as Harry matured. Similarly, the hobbits in the Lord of the Rings saga (one of my favorites) were far from perfect. Frodo says, “There have been times when I thought the inhabitants too stupid and dull for words and have felt that an earthquake or an invasion of dragons might be good for them.” Gandalf had no illusions about the hobbits’ weaknesses (“fool of a Took!”), but he was a staunch advocate and friend throughout the saga.
Our children need to feel the same love and acceptance from us. Unconditional acceptance does not mean that we put up with whatever kids throw at us. Boundaries are essential for any healthy relationship. No one doubts, for example, that if Harry had brazenly violated important rules, Dumbledore reluctantly would have expelled him. Cinderella’s fairy godmother made her enchanted evening end at midnight. In healthy mentoring relationships, we have to enforce boundaries.
The important point, though, is that we need to accept our kids’ flaws with love and understanding. Mentors know full well that heroes are not perfect and need to learn many life lessons. But they never abandon those willing to do the hard work of growing into strong and wise leaders. Our children have to believe that we care about them, no matter how imperfect. If they do not believe that we have their backs, then nothing else we try to offer will matter.
2. Wisdom. One universal characteristic that we see in mentors is that they are wise. Dumbledore gives Harry Potter and his friends many wonderful and memorable guidelines. When Frodo complains to Gandalf that he wishes he had never received the One Ring, Gandalf replies, “So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” That advice has resonated with readers for decades.
I am not likely in my lifetime to think of such wise advice. But all of us can gain more knowledge, which is the foundation of wisdom. We can learn how our children’s experiences have affected them and the current best practices on how to help. Some of us can track down mental health studies, others will have older and wiser relatives and friends to consult. The Internet has a lot of information, some of which may be pure nonsense. But there also is much good information, whether articles by learned professionals or online groups of experienced parents. We can also learn from our children’s teachers, therapists, and other family members. Wherever we can find worthwhile information, we need to track it down to learn from it.
3. Sacrifice. Many of the wise guides in our most famous stories make great sacrifices for the hero. In The Chronicles of Narnia, Aslan sacrifices himself to save Edmund’s life. In Star Wars, Luke’s first mentor, Obi-Wan Kenobi, does the same. In Lord of the Rings, Gandalf falls defending the rest of the company. These dramatic scenes illustrate the bond of love between the mentors and the heroes.
Now, I am not suggesting that we give up everything in service of our children. That practice is not good for us or them. We cannot keep all of our other commitments if we sacrifice everything, and children do not need to have anyone’s world revolve around them. The mentors in the stories above were facing more serious situations than most of us ever will. However, even if the sacrifice in famous stories is more dramatic than in real life, the principle is the same. We should be willing to sacrifice to help our children get what they need.
The degree of sacrifice should be proportional. There is rarely any need for us to rearrange our schedule for a routine shopping trip. To help our child visit or connect with a biological parent, however, the stakes – and our willingness to sacrifice – should be much higher.
We also need to be willing to make the sacrifice without having anyone acknowledge it. Expecting (or even worse asking) our children to appreciate our sacrifice will simply undermine any relationship. It’s human nature to want praise and gratitude, but we need to resist that temptation. We are the adults, and commitments to children are always one-way. We make sacrifices for our children not because we expect them to appreciate us, but because it is what they need us to do.
4. Mistakes. The final characteristic of wise mentors is that they let heroes make their own mistakes. We have a natural instinct to protect our children. These days, that natural instinct is heightened by social pressure and legal mandates to the point that we sometimes harm our children by protecting them from the natural consequences of their decisions. Wise mentors, however, let heroes make, and learn from, mistakes. Yoda in Star Wars has the power to prevent Luke from leaving to try to help his friends, but he lets him go. In all the King Arthur stories, Merlin advises Arthur, but he does not protect him from his mistakes.
Stepping back and letting our children make mistakes is hard to do, but it is essential to their emotional growth. Of course, we always have to be concerned about safety, and we should never let children risk anything truly dangerous. The difficulty is finding that dividing line between truly dangerous and somewhat risky. I always ask myself, “What is the worst that is likely to happen?” The key is likely. If we allow a young child to wander along a busy highway, he or she is likely to get hit by a car. If we allow an inexperienced teenager to drive a car, he or she is likely to have an accident. A teenager who has driven a lot of miles with adult supervision, however, is much less likely to wreck the car. We need to prepare our children to face the risks and learn how to reduce them. If we continually protect our children, they will never learn those skills.
Like all good mentors, we must recognize that we will not always be around to take care of our children. Sooner or (we hope much) later, they will have to navigate the world without us. Just as the fellowship had to continue its quest after Gandalf fell, our children will need to continue their stories without us. The best way we can prepare them is to let them make their mistakes while we are still available to help them put the pieces back together.
Final Thoughts
Creating positive relationships with our children requires us to develop a bond of love and trust. Children don’t know much about how to create or nurture relationships. We will have to do the heavy lifting and model the behavior. With a little luck and a lot of perseverance, we can become mentors instead of villains in their stories.
For more thoughts on how to step into our children’s stories, check out my ebook, online courses, and book about raising other people’s children.
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