Helping our kids process the loss of a biological family and new family dynamics can challenge even the most patient caregiver. Here’s how we can respond in ways that can build a healthy blended family or at least not torpedo whatever fledgling relationships we have with the children we are parenting.
1. Acknowledge Their Perspective
Acknowledgment is the first step toward connection with our foster children or step children. Recognizing and validating a child’s feelings, even when they're difficult to hear, over time helps them learn to trust us. Statements like, “I know I’m not your mother, and I understand that’s hard for you,” show empathy without apologizing for our presence. Our goal is to recognize their emotions and meet them where they are. We also need to communicate to our kids that their feelings matter, even as we try to build a new family.
2. It’s Not About Us
Kids' reactions, especially emotional outbursts, often feel personal but we have to remind ourselves that the reactions usually are not about us. Of course rejection hurts, but the best thing we can do is step back and not take their words personally. When they say things like “You’re mean!” or “I hate you!” they most often are reacting to their own internal struggles, not to anything we do or say. They also may be working out feelings of rejection or developmental trauma or trauma responses. When our kids act obnoxious to us, we need to enforce boundaries of mutual respect, but we shouldn’t let their attitudes change our commitment to them. We should focus on being the steady, reliable adults that they need in their lives.
3. Don’t Expect Gratitude
Children, especially younger ones, often don’t realize the sacrifices that we make. It’s natural to want them to understand what we do for them, but it’s unrealistic to expect constant gratitude from kids who are still learning about the world. After all, kids are supposed to take their environment for granted to some degree. It’s part of what makes them secure in their homes. Instead of seeking gratitude, we should focus on providing a stable nurturing environment and making decisions in a child's best interest. It may take a long time and a lot of work for them to recognize our contributions. We can only trust that someday, when our kids have the life experience and brain capacity to understand what we provided, they will recognize the sacrifices we made and how much we cared about them.
4. Maintain Your Core Values
Children’s behavior, especially during moments of conflict, can drive us crazy. However, even in the middle of stressful situations, we have to hang on to our core values. We need to work on not letting their reactions change who we are or how we parent. We need to set boundaries to maintain mutual respect within the entire family, but still communicate how much we care about them. Most important, we need to be the adult in the relationship, even when it’s difficult. Being consistent in our values shows kids the importance of integrity and helps them feel more secure, even if they don’t like us in the moment.
5. Never Apologize for Being There
We aren’t the people that our kids want in their lives, but we are the people who are there. We should never apologize for stepping into their lives. We simply need to concentrate on making our presence part of the solution for helping our children process their loss and create a positive family life. We should acknowledge their pain, but never diminish our role in their lives. We can’t seek their approval for fulfilling our responsibilities. For example, we can enforce house rules and behavior ground rules. Finally, we have to accept that building trust takes time, especially in complex families such as foster care or blended families. We can be an important part of helping them navigate their emotions and grow into healthier relationships.
6. Care Without Conditions
Children, especially those who have lost their biological families, need to know that someone cares about them no matter what. We need to make a one-way commitment, a decision that can feel daunting precisely because it is one-way. Unlike adult relationships that are built on mutual exchange, a loving relationship with any child is inherently one-sided. When we prioritize commitment, we’re showing our kids that their worth (especially to us) is not dependent on their behavior or attitude. This steady presence can be an important part of the emotional security they need to grow. Of course, unconditional love is not the same as unconditional commitment. Every healthy relationship has healthy boundaries. The secret to a good relationship, however, is being able to say to our kids that, even if we can't agree with and support their decisions, we will always love them without reservation. They need to know that their family members love them, even when we cannot go with them down their chosen path.
7. Support Biological Family
It’s vital that we encourage and support safe, healthy relationships between our kids and their biological parents. Even when reunification isn’t an option, helping children navigate these relationships with appropriate boundaries teaches them emotional maturity. Our children instinctively will seek connection with their birth parents. Foster children, for example, often try to reconnect with biological families as soon as they age out of the system. Step children will have more built-in loyalty to a biological parent than to us. The most important thing for us to remember is that our job is to guide our children toward healthier dynamics during the time we have with them.
Final Thoughts
Raising other people’s children is challenging, particularly when we face emotional reactions that test our patience and resolve. By focusing on staying present, communicating unconditional love, and maintaining our values, we can create a stable and supportive environment for our children. Our role is not to replace or erase previous relationships but to help our kids build a future where they feel valued and capable. Remember: it’s not about achieving perfection. It’s about showing up, staying steady, and modeling the behavior we hope to see in our kids as they grow. We may not be able to develop a great relationship right away, but we are an important part of helping our kids process and overcome their loss.
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