In my last blog post, I discussed the unavoidable reality that our journey as a foster or stepparent begins in a child’s loss. Our children will spend a lot of time grappling with their desire for an intact biological family. In our relationships, we’ll see a few common patterns in how they process their loss.
1. Conflicting Loyalties
Children usually struggle with the sense that liking or bonding with us is disloyal to their biological parents. They might hesitate to show affection, fearing it betrays their original family. We have to understand that this inner conflict is not a reflection of what sort of people we are, but a natural emotional struggle going on within our child. There’s not much we can do to short-circuit this process, since it’s not about us. The most that we can do is be consistent in our care and structure, and not give them any legitimate grievances.
2. Hesitation and Distrust
Building trust takes time. Children who have experienced broken promises or disrupted family dynamics naturally will be wary of new adults entering their lives. Our promises may feel hollow to kids who have faced that sort of disappointment. There’s no short cut to reassure them. We have to build trust by showing them over time that we are trustworthy. It’s a difficult process for us, but there’s no fast track to a trusting relationship.
3. Rejection
Sometimes, children may simply outright reject us. Every story has to have a villain, and sometimes our kids will cast us in that role in spite of everything we can do. This rejection is often rooted in their grief over the loss of their ideal family structure. While it’s difficult to be rejected, we have to learn not to take this type of rejection personally.
Instead, we have to focus on what we can control — our attitudes and actions. First, we need to review whether we’ve done anything to alienate our kids. If so, we need to remedy the situation, whether we apologize or do something else to make amends. We do need to take responsibility for our actions and show our kids that we would like to rebuild the relationship if and when they are interested.
Other than that, all we can do is wait. It’s hard, particularly for someone like me who likes to fix situations, but our kids have free will. The will make their own decisions and we can’t force them to make a decision that we like. We shouldn’t apologize or cajole, and we definitely don’t need to pursue them. We should be ourselves, continuing to care about them, and give them space to be themselves.
4. Back-and-Forth Bonding
Children often alternate between bonding with us and pulling away. This fluctuation can be frustrating, perhaps more frustrating than outright rejection. I’ve often see kids have a really good day or week, moving closer to bonding with me, but then suddenly and without explanation move into outright rejection and disruptive behavior. I finally learned that the pattern is a normal part of their emotional adjustment and conflicting loyalties. The kids started feeling comfortable in our family, but then they started feeling disloyal to their biological parents. The only way they knew to reconcile that emotion was to reject me — even if their biological parents knew nothing about the situation, the kids were able to still feel loyal to the missing parent. All we can do in those situations is remain consistent, showing them that our care is unwavering even when their feelings shift.
Conclusion
Our kids’ reactions generally stem from a primal sense, not reachable by logic, that their world is off-kilter. Parenting other people’s children requires resilience, patience, and a deep well of compassion. Understanding the emotional landscape is the first step in creating a nurturing environment. Embracing our role as “Plan B” parents can grow into strong and meaningful connections, even if our relationships start from a place of hesitation or resistance.
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