Our theme this month is making a commitment to our foster or stepchildren and setting healthy boundaries for them. But we always have to keep in mind that trauma can skew our kids’ reactions to our best efforts. Children who have experienced trauma generally respond to boundaries differently than those who haven’t. It’s crucial for us to understand these trauma responses while we are trying to protect our kids and provide structure.
Recognizing Trauma Responses
One of the biggest challenges in parenting children with trauma is distinguishing between bad behavior and trauma-driven behavior. Trauma responses can sometimes mimic misbehavior, making it difficult to separate the two. For instance, a child who frequently lies may not just be acting out or trying to avoid consequences. Instead, lying may have been a necessary survival skill in their past environment and a skill they now don’t know how to give up.
Imagine, for example, a child who grew up in an abusive household where honesty led to punishment. To protect themselves, they learned to lie as a defense mechanism. When they enter a safe and supportive home, their brain doesn’t automatically recognize the new environment as safe. Instead, it reverts to old survival patterns—lying to avoid perceived danger.
We will run across these trauma responses in all sorts of unexpected places and times. Before we conclude that our child is being willful or consciously making bad decisions, we need to consider the possibility that it’s an unconscious trauma response.
A Measured Response to Misbehavior
Understanding the reality of trauma triggers doesn’t mean that we completely excuse bad behavior or allow children to get away with it. Rather, it means that we have to learn to respond in a way that acknowledges their trauma while still holding them accountable. For example, when a child lies to us, we can try saying, “I understand that in the past, lying might have felt like the safest option. But here, I need to be able to trust you. When you tell me the truth, I can support you better.” Then, after that conversation, we can search for a consequence that helps the child understand the importance of telling the truth while reassuring them that we support them no matter what mistakes they have made. Our goal is to create psychological safety for them while reinforcing the importance of the character trait or skill that we want them to develop.
Building Trust and Attachment
Children who have experienced trauma often struggle with trust. They may assume that caregivers will react harshly, or in the case of foster children kick them out, just as adults in their lives did previously. It takes time and consistent, measured responses to show them that our boundaries are for their benefit and not ours.
We also must have realistic expectations. Changing deeply ingrained behaviors takes time. Trauma responses don’t disappear overnight, and expecting immediate results can lead to frustration for both us and our child. It’s essential to have realistic expectations and understand that their progress will be gradual, sporadic, and at times almost invisible.
It will help us to recognize and reward small improvements. If a child who previously lied about everything starts telling the truth occasionally, acknowledge and encourage that progress. Something as simple as, “I really appreciate your being honest with me. That means a lot,” can reinforce the behavior we want to see.
Conclusion
Setting boundaries is essential, but when we are parenting children who have experienced trauma, we must enforce those boundaries with compassion and understanding. Recognizing the difference between willful defiance and a trauma response allows us to guide children toward healthier behaviors while building trust and security and helping our children navigate and move past their trauma.
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Interested in learning more?
• Download my free e-book to learn how to stop being the villain in your child’s story.
• Learn more principles of foster parenting and step-parenting from my online courses at YSO Academy.
• Buy my book, Raising Other People’s Children, for more thoughts about being the person who’s not supposed to be there.
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