Returning to our theme this month of logical consequences, I want to talk about one very important principle — logical consequences only work with a lot of nurture and love. It’s easy to concentrate on the high structure part of letting kids learn from the consequences of their actions. At the same time, we can’t forget that our focus is on letting our kids learn — and they will learn best when we are there to empathize and help them learn. Logical consequences is all about both high structure and high nurture. Life will give them much of that structure; it’s our job to give them the nurture that they need.
High Nurture Is Where the Magic Happens
I’ve heard from some foster parents that logical consequences are too risky. Like, “These kids have been through enough—how can I let them face more hard stuff?” Yes, that’s true. But letting kids face consequences doesn’t mean you’re saying, “I hope you can figure this out.” No, it means that when we let them experience a slice of how life works, we are there to love, care for, and help them through the process.
Consider for a moment when your child ignores your warnings about running in a slippery area and falls down. None of us would think it OK to stand there, shrugging, and saying, “Well, I warned you.” We scoop them up, grab a bandage and make sure they’re okay. All the while we give a few extra hugs to make it better. We are comforting them, talking them through the process, and letting them process the consequences of challenging the laws of gravity. That’s high nurture—being their rock, emotionally and physically, while letting the lesson of “not a good idea to run in a slippery area” sink in.
Or consider another instance that many children who have suffered trauma live through, which is having a panic attack. Maybe they didn’t use the coping techniques they’ve learned or left them too late, and now they’re overwhelmed. That panic attack may be a logical consequence of not using their tools. But we don’t (and shouldn’t) leave them to muddle through on their own. Instead we help them implement the techniques, comforting them and nurturing them. Once they’re feeling steadier, we may gently point out how they might can use the techniques next time. And we get them back to their regular day as soon as we can. That’s the balance — a lot of comfort to get them through the crisis, with a nudge to keep learning.
Why This Works for Our Kids
Foster and step-kids often carry big feelings—maybe from tough times before or just figuring out where they fit in this new. With high nurture, we are telling them, “I’ve got you, no matter what.” Logical consequences, when you wrap them in that love, teach them how life works without making them feel judged. We can help them figure out the life skills that they need.
Of course, every kid is different. Some need physical comfort, while others need a little space to process everything. Whatever our kids need in the moment, we need to provide nurture to help them learn to solve their problems. As I’ll explain in later posts, part of the process is not bailing our kids out of the problems they have created for themselves. The high nurture part of the equation is walking alongside them as they find their own solutions to those problems.
What It Looks Like
Every family, kid, and situation is different, but there are a few things we can do to help be certain that we are acting from nurture and not simply exasperation with our kids.
- Keep Your Cool: When a consequence hits, take a deep breath. Or several deep breaths. If we need to buy some time, we can learn how to tell our kids, “I’ll get back to you on this.” We can’t provide high nurture when we are angry or irritated. We have to be calm in order for our kids to know that they are safe with us.
- Nurture First, Lessons Later: Whether it’s a bandage or a heart-to-heart about school, we should meet our kids’ emotional needs first. They aren’t ready to learn until they feel psychologically safe. As the old maxim goes, no one cares what we know until they know how much we care.
- Ask, Don’t Lecture: When you are ready to talk to your kid, don’t start with a lecture of what you think. Try asking their opinion, “How did that happen” or “How can you avoid it next time?” The point of logical consequences is not for them to agree that we are brilliant (even when we are), but to figure out the problem and solution for themselves. They’ll get there faster, and learn the lesson better, if we let them reach the conclusions on their own.
- Stick With It, Lovingly: Very few of us learn the life lessons we need to know the first time around. Our kids are no different. They will keep trying different ways of doing the same thing until they exhaust their excuses. We need to stick with them, never giving up on encouraging them as they figure it out.
Conclusion
Logical consequences is a powerful technique for helping kids who have suffered trauma learn important life lessons. The principles I’ll discuss over the next few weeks will not only help our kids but help our relationships with them. However, every principle is conditioned on our encouraging and nurturing them through the process. We are not abandoning them to their own resources. We are walking alongside them, letting them experience safe and age-appropriate slices of how the world works, and helping them find their own solutions to the problems they create for themselves. Showing up for our kids through every triumph and setback, and showing up with love and encouragement, is the very foundation of using logical consequences wisely and well.
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Interested in learning more?
• Download my free e-book to learn how to stop being the villain in your child’s story.
• Learn more principles of foster parenting and step-parenting from my online courses at YSO Academy.
• Buy my book, Raising Other People’s Children, for more thoughts about being the person who’s not supposed to be there.
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