As we continue to talk this month about using logical consequences with our kids, I want to focus on some very important principles of how to use them. If we don’t use consequences wisely and lovingly, particularly with kids who have suffered trauma, we can unwittingly compound the damage.
Safety First
In my last post, I discussed the importance of nurture in using logical consequences. An equally important principle is keeping the consequences safe for our kids. Our kids have to feel not only physically safe, but emotionally safe with us.
For example, I heard about a principal once who put up a sign saying, “Don’t bring your kid’s forgotten lunch—they’ll survive and learn!” And yes, for most kids, that would be fine. They’d grumble, maybe eat a school snack, and pack better tomorrow. But for a child with food insecurity in their past, missing a meal can set off a trauma trigger. Not having lunch can spark a flood of fear, setting off their brain’s alarm system. Suddenly, their body’s pumping cortisol, their heart’s racing, and their subconscious is sending danger messages. Their brain is not telling them, “You forgot your lunch, remember tomorrow.” It’s saying “You aren’t safe, there’s no food.” That’s not a lesson—it’s a setback that could unravel trust and progress.
So, we have to meet our kids’ needs of psychological safety and food first. However, safety doesn’t require that we give them their favorite food. We can still employ the logical consequences of giving them peanut butter and jelly, for example. It’s not their top pick, but it’s food that meets their needs. Or we can say, “Because I had to take off work to bring your lunch to you, I can’t take off tomorrow to go shopping with you.” It’s logical — tied to their choices and actions — but it doesn’t trigger their food insecurity.
Letting our kids suffer the logical consequences of their behavior is an important way to help them learn essential life skills. However, they are kids, and it’s our job to help them learn safely. In the same way we don’t let our kids drive cars before they are developmentally able to learn the skills, we don’t expose our kids to more than they can safely handle.
“Risky” is Different from “Unsafe”
Another thing to remember is that keeping our kids safe doesn’t mean avoiding all risk. Not everything that is risky is dangerous. Think of it like this: if a kid runs too fast and skins their knee, that’s a risk. It stings, they cry, but they learn to slow down—and you’re there with a bandage and a hug. That’s a safe lesson.
We want our kids to expand their horizons and to grow. That’s how they build resilience. But we also need to be sure the risks match their skills. For example, if a child doesn’t like what you put on the table for dinner, you don’t have to cook something different for them. You can tell them to fix a PB&J. That’s a skill most kids can manage by elementary school. It’s a safe way for them to learn accountability.
We also need to teach them skills to reduce risk. For example, we don’t tell our kids on their 16th birthday, “Today, you can get behind the wheel of the family car and drive in city traffic.” Instead, we start with driving lessons in parking lots, then on unpopulated side streets. We gradually teach them the skills they need to reduce the risk of piloting multi-ton vehicles on busy streets.
The principles work the same for other life skills. Our kids may need our help staying on task with school work when they are younger, but at some point they have to take ownership of the task. Our job is not to do their school work for them, but to teach them how to manage their time and find the answers. Similarly, we may have to help them advocate for accommodations or extra help, but we also need to be teaching them how to advocate for themselves and ask for the help they need. The risk of getting a few bad grades along the way usually is worth the lesson in life skills.
Age-Appropriate Consequences and Escape Valves
Consequences have to match a kid’s age and stage. A six-year-old can’t handle a month-long punishment—they’ll forget why they’re in trouble and just feel like the world’s against them. For a young kid, something like losing dessert for a night because they didn’t help set the table works better. It’s immediate, it’s clear, and they can try again tomorrow. But for a teenager you can stretch it out a bit longer. Although remember that one of the effects of trauma is to delay normal development, so teens who have suffered through trauma may not have the long view that you expect (or want) them to have. Our kids always need to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
If the consequences stretches over time, our kids need an escape valve. For example, when one of our sons was in school, we set a rule that if his grades fell below a certain level, we would assume it was because he was spending too much time on his electronics and he couldn’t have access to them until the next grading period. That was a long time for a young teen, so we built in an escape valve allowing him to buy back his weekends and holidays by earning Boy Scout merit badges or rank advancement. It worked very well for him. He had to work to get his electronics back, and he had to decide whether to use a merit badge for a weekend or wait for a longer holiday break. The arrangement gave him control over his situation, and it also motivated him to make Eagle Scout at age 15.
That arrangement wouldn’t work for kids not already in Scouting, or for younger kids who can’t grasp the complexity of earning merit badges. But the principles are the same at any age — make the consequence one that they can understand and build in an escape valve that gives them control of their circumstances. Many of our foster and step kids come to us from situations where they had no control over what the adults in their lives were doing or the decisions that affected where they live or even whom they live with. Giving them a way out, like earning back a privilege, shows them life isn’t just about consequences—it’s about second chances, too.
Conclusion
At the end of the day, logical consequences are about helping our kids grow into problem-solvers who understand how their choices shape their world. For foster and step-kids, who might carry heavy emotional baggage, safety is the foundation of our relationship. When they know their basic needs—like food—are covered, they can focus on learning instead of surviving. Then we can use logical consequences to build trust, and resilience, showing them that we are walking alongside them through every mistake and victory.
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Interested in learning more?
• Download my free e-book to learn how to stop being the villain in your child’s story.
• Learn more principles of foster parenting and step-parenting from my online courses at YSO Academy.
• Buy my book, Raising Other People’s Children, for more thoughts about being the person who’s not supposed to be there.
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