An important principle in setting priorities for your foster or blended family is understanding how to balance everyone’s unique needs. Younger children, for example, need more of our time than older children. Children who have suffered trauma have more complex needs than children who haven’t gone through those experiences. In addition to the usual work commitments, school requirements, and extracurricular activities, we have to find time and energy to encourage emotional healing and building trust. To meet all of those demands, we need to remember some important principles.
1. Small decisions add up. Deciding what our priorities are doesn’t tell us what to do on any given day. For example, we can know that self-care is a priority, but that fact doesn’t mean that we can choose a spa day over a child’s doctor appointment. Instead, we need to look at our decisions over a span of time. Do we have a trend of letting our kids’ needs crowd out time to spend on our marriage? Do we let ourselves get exhausted before we realize that we need to recharge our batteries?
I like the story from Dr. Stephen Covey about filling a jar with stones, pebbles and sand. We can fit far more into the jar if we start with the stone and end with the sand rather than vice-versa. But in our daily lives, we don’t actually fill our jars all at once. We put in a few stones, then some pebbles, then some sand, and then some more stones. The trick is to make sure all of the stones eventually get into the jar before we fill it with less important things. It’s not so much what we choose in any given moment, but the more difficult perspective of how our small choices add up.
2. Use time blocking. One way to stay focused on your priorities is to block out periods of time for important activities. Time blocking is a common business technique that we also can apply to our personal lives. It involves blocking out specific periods of time in the day or week for specific tasks.
Some things we need to do every day (most of us already have a bedtime routine), while other things, such as a “date night” with our spouse, can be weekly or biweekly. Figure out what things you need in order to create the strong foundation for your family, and carve out time for them in the family calendar. In my experience, it works best to start with one new habit, such as exercise or a date night, and get it established before adding another.
Look at how you spend your time with everyone in the family. Certainly you and your spouse need time to concentrate on each other, but your kids may need some one-on-one time as well. Plan time to take a walk together, go for ice cream, or just sit and talk. Even taking one child for a drive-through breakfast on the way to school every so often can give you time to connect and find out what’s going on in their world.
Once you’ve set aside the time, be sure you protect it. If you have a weekly date night, don’t give it up for ordinary conflicts. If something comes up that you need to prioritize, such as your child’s school play, be sure you go ahead and build a make-up date into your schedule as soon as possible. If our schedules are too crowded for regular date nights, find mini-vacations (even if it’s stay-at-home vacations) to reconnect with each other.
3. Routine and Flexibility. Human beings, particularly children who have been through trauma, thrive in routines. It gives us security and a sense of belonging. However, we have to be flexible to deal with crises or unexpected challenges. For example, date nights with our spouses are important, but we have to be ready to reschedule or postpone that “us time” if our kids need us to deal with a more urgent problem. We also have to be willing to change a routine that doesn’t work or doesn’t work any longer. Our kids grow up, circumstances change, and we need to constantly evaluate whether our current routine serves everyone’s needs.
4. Communication is Key. We need to listen to everyone in the family about whether our routine and habits truly reflect our priorities. The alone time I mentioned above can be an important way to hear from your spouse or kids. You also need to have regular family meetings, even if it’s just having dinner together. As kids get older and get involved in individual activities, it can be hard to find time when everyone can be together. It also can be hard when you have kids who don’t live with you full-time. But “hard” is not the same as “impossible.” You need to find times when everyone can talk to everyone else, learning how to listen, be transparent, and support each other.
Use these group or one-on-one times to discuss priorities, schedules, and routines. You won’t know whether a family habit is working for everyone unless you hear from everyone. Be adaptable and willing to listen to requests for change. At the same time, you and your spouse are the adults, and it’s your job to set the boundaries and create the structure that your kids need.
Conclusion
Setting priorities in foster or blended families is a dynamic balancing act. It requires commitment, sensitivity, flexibility, and open communication. While the needs of our family certainly will shift over time, the underlying principles remain constant: structure, time for our priorities, adaptability in the face of change, and clear communication with everyone. In the end, balancing priorities isn’t just about managing schedules; it’s about building a resilient, compassionate family culture where everyone has a voice.
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