Parenting kids who have gone through hard times requires that we understand childhood trauma. After years of not understanding the topic, suddenly everyone who works with children seems to be talking about being “trauma-informed.” To help our kids move forward, we must understand what trauma is as well as what it is not.
What Is Trauma?
You’ve probably heard people toss around the word “trauma” for all sorts of things—like not making the cheerleading squad or failing a test. But those experiences are just ordinary life difficulties. Real trauma is a whole different ballgame. Research on the topic started with the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) study in the mid-90s. That research looked at undeniable adversity: physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, neglect, parents splitting up, substance abuse, mental illness in the family, or other household chaos. The study found that kids who went through these tough times had a higher chance of health or mental health struggles later in life.
Later, organizations expanded the definition of trauma to include more types of adversity. The American Psychological Association defines trauma as a disturbing experience that leaves kids feeling scared, helpless, or overwhelmed, with long-lasting effects that hamper functioning. The National Institute of Mental Health defines a traumatic event as one that’s emotionally painful or distressing, impacting a kid’s mind or body long-term. So, unlike a bad day or a tough moment, trauma disrupts a kid’s ability to function at school, home, or with friends.
Trauma Isn’t Just Stress
It’s common to hear trauma described as a lot of stressors piled on top of each other. That’s not quite accurate. Stress is part of life, and honestly, it can be a good thing. For example, when a kid forgets homework and faces a bad grade, that’s a chance to learn responsibility. Or maybe your child butts heads with a teacher whose style doesn’t click. That’s stressful, sure, but it teaches kids how to deal with different personalities. As we’ve discussed earlier, you can help kids navigate these moments without swooping in to fix everything. Let them learn from the small stuff.
Trauma is a heavier load. It’s things like ongoing abuse, neglect, or losing a parent. These events can rewire a child’s brain, making them super sensitive to stress or slowing their emotional growth. Complex developmental trauma results from repeated, chronic experiences that pile up — not just stress, but multiple traumatic events. For example, a kid who’s been neglected for years might freak out over a small change in routine because their brain’s stuck in “danger mode.” That’s different than temper tantrum over not getting what they want for dinner. Knowing the difference helps you figure out when to let kids work through stress and when they need extra support for trauma.
Spotting Trauma in Kids
So, how do you know if a kid is dealing with trauma? Trauma can show up in a lot of ways, some of which mimic developmentally normal opposition or avoidance of unpleasant tasks. Trauma reactions tend to cluster around a few unique markers:
- Big reactions to small things: Kids might have big reactions to small triggers—like a meltdown over a changed plan—because their emotions are on overdrive. They might struggle to calm down or express what they’re feeling.
- Hyper-Vigilance or Numbness: Some kids are always on edge, scanning for danger, while others seem checked out, like they’ve built an emotional wall to avoid pain.
- Emotional rollercoasters: They might swing from angry outbursts to shutting down completely.
- Trouble focusing or planning ahead: Trauma tends to occupy a lot of brain space. I compare it to a computer program that’s working in the background, taking up a lot of processing power. The program that you see at the front is slow, glitchy, and frustrating. Similarly, our kids often have trouble focusing on what’s in front of them because their brain is busy in the background trying to process their trauma.
Every kid is different. Some bounce back from tough moments, while others feel the weight of multiple traumas. Our job is to notice these clues and respond with care and encouragement. Our kids need structure and high expectations, but we must provide those along with a lot of nurture and emotional support.
Conclusion
Understanding trauma is an important part of parenting other people’s children. By knowing what trauma looks like and separating it from everyday stress, we can much better help our kids cope with and move past their history. We can offer our kids an open door to hope and healing.
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Interested in learning more?
• Download my free e-book to learn how to stop being the villain in your child’s story.
• Learn more principles of foster parenting and step-parenting from my online courses at YSO Academy.
• Buy my book, Raising Other People’s Children, for more thoughts about being the person who’s not supposed to be there.
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