This past weekend, I participated in the Renew Retreat, a gathering of Christian foster, adoptive, and kinship parents organized by my amazing friend, Jodi Jackson Tucker at Second Mothers. It was a wonderful time of connecting with other people on the journey of raising other people’s children and finding a way to recharge our batteries. Even though my husband and I are now mentoring instead of actively fostering, it was good to hear reminders of several important principles.
1. Parenting Kids from Hard Places is Hard Work. It would be wonderful if we could “fix” our kids with enough love and the right approach. But raising kids is not like baking a cake. We cannot add 2 parts love to 3 parts patience and 1 part trauma-informed techniques, let it bake for 4 weeks, and suddenly have a great relationship. Whether our kids joined our families through foster placement or a blended family, they must navigate very tough terrain. Some kids will accept our love for them, while others will class us with the villains in their story.
One mom at the conference told of her habit of putting a dollar in a jar every time one of her children said, “I hate you.” We all nodded our heads when she said that there were some things the kids said that made it a $50 day. It’s also hard to wonder how long it will take our kids to accept us, if they ever do. Some parents described great relationships with their kids, others told stories of now-adult children who were finally ready to work on a relationship, and others are still waiting.
There is no single path to helping our kids heal and having a good relationship with them. Our individual paths are difficult and challenging, and we hang in there because we love our kids.
2. Recognizing our Limits is Essential. The other thing that stood out from the retreat was how much we need to take care of ourselves. As I described it earlier, self-stewardship is one of the foundation stones of being able to care for our families. If we can’t replenish our resources, we won’t have the stamina to do what we need to in this challenging role.
We need to find our people and build a network to listen to us and support us on this journey with our kids. If we create an “insult jar” like the mom above, we need to take the money and spend it on something to recharge our batteries. Self-care is not selfish. It is essential to being able to help our kids move past their trauma.
3. Being a Plan B Parent is Incredibly Rewarding. Amid all the stories about the challenges everyone faces in raising other people’s children, there was an undeniable thread of joy and fulfillment. We all started this journey because we fell in love with our children. Through all the ups and downs, it is that commitment that sustains us. We learn to temper our expectations, to find joy in small steps that other parents can take for granted. Parenting from a broken heart is never easy, but we all agreed that it has changed us in ways that we never could have imagined. Few of us would go back to being the people we were before our kids entered our lives, and none of us would trade the lessons that they have taught us. For all of our kids’ challenges, we are thankful that God brought them into our lives.
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Interested in learning more?
• Download my free e-book to learn how to stop being the villain in your child’s story.
• Learn more principles of foster parenting and step-parenting from my online courses at YSO Academy.
• Buy my book, Raising Other People’s Children, for more thoughts about being the person who’s not supposed to be there.
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