When we create a new stepfamily or become foster parents, we like to think of the transition as a fresh start for our children, a new chance for stability, love, and belonging. And we can certainly build strong relationships with our children, no matter when we join their history. But we can't overlook the profound reality that our new family starts with a loss for our children. We will see this loss play in different ways in our individual situations, but there are some common themes that we are likely to see.

What We Will See

1. The Loss of Family- It was a humbling realization for me that, if the world worked the way it should, I wouldn't know any of my foster or stepchildren. If they had their preferences, their biological family would still be together. I might be a part of their ideal world, but only as a friend or the nice neighbor lady. I definitely would not be their parent. If I wanted a close relationship with my children, I had to recognize their loss and give them room to grieve for it.

For our foster children, they are with us because they have been separated from their biological family, sometimes abruptly and under traumatic circumstances. Even in cases of maltreatment or domestic violence or substance abuse, where we firmly believe that our children are better off with us, they often feel a strong bond with their birth parents. Those bonds inevitably will lead to loyalty conflicts.

It's somewhat better for our stepchildren, who at least live with one biological parent. But we can't ignore the fact that we are in their lives because one parent died or because their parents divorced. Whether they lost a parent to death or lost their intact family to divorce, our children will be grieving the loss of that initial family. Our first step in bonding with our children is to recognize that, if they had a magic wand, we wouldn't be their parents.

2. Unspoken Expectations- Children often carry unspoken hopes of reconciliation or restoration of their old family dynamic. Foster children may have a lingering expectation that they'll return to their biological parents. Children in stepfamilies might wish their parents could reunite, even if they recognize logically that their wish is unrealistic. Adoptive children, even if adopted as very young children, often feel long-time sense of disruption because of the lack of secure attachment with parents in early life and struggle to bond with their adoptive parents. Whatever our children's unspoken hopes, those emotions create unique challenges for new relationships.

As they adapt to new family structures, children may feel disoriented by the roles and relationships they're now expected to embrace. Foster children often have a hard time trusting new caregivers after experiencing neglect or trauma. Stepchildren might feel torn between loyalty to their biological parents and accepting a stepparent's role in their life. Whatever their expectations, they likely will have a difficult time adjusting to new family members and new relationships.

3. Loss of Identity and Familiarity- Transitioning to a foster or stepfamily often involves leaving behind familiar environments—homes, schools, friends, and routines. For children, this upheaval can feel like a loss of identity, as they grapple with the absence of what once defined their sense of self and belonging. Children may also feel a sense of "displacement," as though they are outsiders trying to fit into a new family system. In both foster and stepfamily situations, they might worry about how their new family will perceive their past and whether their place in this new dynamic is truly secure.

How We Can Help

Recognizing the deep loss helps us understand how to meet our child's needs, which is always our main goal when raising other people's children.

1. Acknowledge Their Loss- Avoid minimizing or brushing over the child's grief. Instead, create space for them to express their feelings about what they've lost—whether that's a parent, a home, or a sense of stability. Open communication is not only the right thing for us to do, but it's essential to the positive relationships that we want to build. Recognizing that those biological family relationships were important relationships to our children doesn't diminish our important role, but is an essential part of building our own good relationships.

2. Build Trust Slowly- Whether you're a foster parent or a stepparent, trust must be earned over time. Show consistency, reliability, and a willingness to meet the child where they are emotionally. They will not bond with us on our schedule. We have to give them the time that they need to work through their loss in their own way.

3. Respect their Previous Relationships- We should honor our child's connection to their biological family or previous life, even though it's difficult for us. For foster children, this might mean supporting healthy and safe visits with their birth family. For stepchildren, it could mean encouraging them to maintain a strong relationship with their other parent. Whatever bond our children want, we need to encourage the safest and healthiest relationship that they can have and give them emotional support as they try to preserve those relationships

4. Seek Support- Professional help can be a vital resource for children navigating grief and change, particularly if their loss triggers mental health issues. Counselors and social workers can provide a safe space for them to explore their negative feelings and develop coping strategies. A family therapist may be able to help our families learn how to work together as a new family unit. We also need a network -- support groups and online communities can help us understand how to help children process their loss in specific family situations.

Conclusion

For children, foster and stepfamily dynamics are rarely a seamless transition. Our children's time with us begins in the shadow of their loss. Acknowledging this reality is crucial for building a strong relationship. Only by recognizing their grief and providing a supportive, empathetic environment can we help our children move from loss to healing—creating a foundation of love and resilience for the future.

Every child's journey is unique, but with patience, understanding, and care, we can become the safe harbors our children need to thrive.

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Debbie Ausburn

Helping foster parents and stepparents learn how to be the person who is not supposed to be there.